Question: Now that I’m out of the military, I find there are just as many bad days as good. Some days, I just really don’t want to be all upbeat and happy at work, but when I get quiet, everyone asks me what’s wrong. How can I navigate the down days without sending up warning signs?
Answer: Assuming you’ve consulted with advisers on any significant and ongoing mental health concerns or life changes, let’s focus on how to bring your best at work, especially when you’re not feeling your best or having an off day.
The people you know at work make up a different kind of relationship than your family, personal relationships and social friendships. Your employer is not meant to be your best friend, confidant or spiritual guide. They are paying you a wage to perform tasks and meet goals. That said, many of us work in teams where support, comfort, empathy and encouragement are the norm.
In a supportive team environment, when we see someone showing up less happy and upbeat than their normal self, it can be alarming. Your colleagues might worry they did something to upset you, fear you’re not happy in the job or be concerned that there’s something going on in your life that’s causing you distress. When you show up “off” one day, it likely gets written off as “just having a bad day,” but if it persists, others grow concerned.
It's up to you to decide how much you want to share with your boss and colleagues. You are allowed to keep your concerns, thoughts, fears and unhappiness to yourself (private) if you are still able to do the job.
If you share with others, here are some recommendations:
1. Decide in Advance How Much You’re Comfortable Sharing
Maintaining privacy can help you stay safe in an environment where too much information shared might prove problematic. Are you OK giving details? Do you prefer to speak in generalities?
2. Decide in Advance with Whom You’ll Share What You’re Going Through
You might opt to confide in your boss, because their perception about your work matters. Or you might decide to first run the situation by a work friend or mentor to get advice. Make this choice and share with them how confidential or proprietary the information is.
3. Decide How Severe the Problem Might Be
If you’re just having a bad day, and this isn’t something you anticipate becoming a pattern or long-term struggle, you might share with your boss and team: “I want you all to know I’m having an off day. It’s nothing serious, and I’m going to have it under control soon. I just don’t want you to think anything big is going on or that it’s anything about you.”
This gives your colleagues a heads-up that you’re not at your best and will work on turning things around quickly.
4. Choose Your Timing
If you are wrestling with an issue such as with your health or family, consider how and when you share the news. Bringing it up at the end of an all-hands meeting with other departments present may not be appropriate. It may be best to have one-on-one conversations with your team, boss, project leaders, etc., so they can ask questions and offer you support.
Bottom line: It’s important to let those who care about you know when you need help. If they’re able to help you (refer you to resources, give you time off from your job, pick up some of your workload or even provide a listening ear), then make that possible. And you’re entitled to privacy. Deciding in advance what you want to share, when and with whom is an important step in maintaining your dignity and self-confidence.
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