The news media may be dominated by stories about the upcoming election, issues at the border and nuclear weapons programs in Iran and North Korea, but a cadre of hearty Americans are brave enough to focus on an issue of true national importance: What the dickens is going on at Area 51?
Area 51 is the "secret" military installation in the Nevada desert outside Las Vegas that's long been rumored to be the home of the Air Force's secret labs for study of unidentified flying objects and their alien pilots. Every president from Truman through Trump has dodged America's direct questions about what's going on with the UFOs, so now more than 1.3 million people have declared their intention to act.
A Facebook group called Storm Area 51, They Can't Stop All of Us has announced a civilian action for Friday, Sept. 20. The plan? "We will all meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction and coordinate our entry. If we naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets. Lets see them aliens."
Let's hope their plan has a firmer grasp of tactics than it does of basic grammar.
The Air Force thinks we can't handle the truth and has warned against Area 51 assault plans. If you've spent your life believing that aliens have been held captive at Area 51, this may be your best chance to get some unfiltered intelligence.
In honor of the brave Americans who will take on the deep state obfuscators, we've made a list of essential gear you'll need for the Alien Campaign.
1. UFO Hunting RV
All the best alien hunters have their own RV. A vehicle lets you stay mobile and prevents those awkward moments when nosey motel clerks start asking too many questions about why you're in their neighborhood. Best to keep to yourself because you never know who's a government informant.
Bonus: You can get to the raid location several days early and make sure you get a spot at the front of the line.
2. Safety Helmet
Government scientists may or may not have access to weapons they won't admit they have. At the top of that list, of course, are the legendary rays they can use to read minds. You're going to want a safety helmet to block those rays.
Pro Tip: Bring along some extra foil so you can block out the windows on your RV once you've parked outside Area 51.
No matter how hot things get during the day, nighttime in the desert can get icy cold. Ask anyone who's served, and they'll tell you that there's nothing better for keeping warm than a military-issue "liner, wet weather, poncho."
As well as making you feel safe and secure on the night before the raid, you can use your woobie to swaddle any aliens you rescue from captivity.
4. Thermal Imaging Camera
This one is kind of risky, since we don't know whether alien life shares our earthly animal heat signatures. But it's likely they'll show up on the screens somehow and assist everyone in their quest to find the truth.
5. X-Files Tattoo
The brave men and women who take on this mission are going to face ridicule from friends, family and the mainstream media. It's going to be a lonely journey until you meet up with your fellow warriors in the desert.
Why not get an X-Files tattoo for inspiration? Fox Mulder knew that THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE and never let anyone distract him from his mission. Ask yourself "WWFD?" and keep strong.
6. Flock of Drones
If everyone who shows up for the raid brings a drone or two, security forces will be distracted by a swarm that will be even more terrifying than an attack of killer bees. While they're swatting and firing at the airborne invaders, you'll have a better chance of breaking through their lines and seeing some truth.
Make sure your drone has its own camera, since you'll want as much evidence as possible to share with the world after your day of glory.
7. Burial Insurance
Time for some real talk: Once you scale that fence, you've turned yourself into cannon fodder. Air Force security forces know how to handle a weapon.
Not everyone no one is going to get through.
Be good to your friends and family. Buy burial insurance so they don't have to join the thousands of other GoFundMe campaigns for Victims of the Area 51 Massacre.